oh, no. the truth factory!

online multiplayer games are one of the best ways introverts socialise. i know because i too couldn't keep a conversation from dying into silence participating in offline multiplayer games.

a massive multiplayer offline game is something i would not even dare dream being a part of. that's nightmare fuel. uh, okay; enough explaining; it's panic attack time!

[answers]

1. horror, basically.

2. even better. you don’t have to know their last name or their tax bracket. it’s the purest form of human bonding — stripped of the "i am beyond humbled and honored to announce..." small talk.

3. politeness is. it is the inability to signal that the interaction is becoming socially draining.

4. nope. i like the ms teams version of our meetings better. very productive. you cannot get that from me offline.

sister channels are weird in the sense that a sibling (the one with the "main character syndrome") gives birth to them. this explains why there are constant callbacks directed towards the younger baby (with a familiar bossing around in the background which is a characteristic feature of this relationship).

a sister channel is a classic example of a main channel gone feral. think "when parents want a chartered accountant in the family but you want to do a longform analysis of songs composed in natural minor that would've sounded better in dorian mode," and you'll know why it's always the damn sisters!

you may or may not question the authority, but you can always question your sanity.

[answers]

1. because there's not enough chaos in the world to begin with.

2. a total collapse of the sibling ego. the "bossing around" turns into a desperate, existential identity crisis. when the "dorian mode" deep dive gets more hits than the "professional tech review," the creator realizes the feral child was the one they should have been all along.

3. the sister channel is the only place where the creator is truly honest, which is exactly why the main channel (and the audience) is so terrified of it. one is a career; the other is a confession.

4. deep within our hearts, we all want to believe we are doing okay, but the brain knows. it always does.

when i think of lungs, the first thing that comes to my mind is breathing. breathing is something that i am very good at. i have done it ever since i was born. even before i was born, i thought about breathing and how nice it would be to have as a hobby. so i practiced it in the womb.

and then i came into this world — as a baby, obviously — and i taught my parents to breathe. i found they picked it up pretty quick. then i taught them how to change my nappies and clean me up.

thank you, parents! you are awesome.

[answers]

1. biology. and also,
   "'cuz when the AQI is shit,
   these lungs take the hit."

2. there's an app i created for that. it’s available on the play store and the app store — and it literally depicts my medical records (including how healthy my lungs are) in real time. powered by web sockets.
   oh, you meant your lungs? if your lungs are inside your body, trust me — they’re already outperforming mine.

3. can they? i mean, i guess, yeah. mostly fear. they can sense it when i am panicking, which i am currently not.

4. donating? yes. lungs? yes. organ donation is a good practice. it’s like donating money. when you’ve had enough of your lungs — or when your lungs are done with you — donate them to someone they'd like to be a part of. e.g., a science experiment.
   basically, you shouldn’t let them go to waste. that'll make lungs sad.
   reuse. recycle. respire.
   if science says no, donate them to a museum. let the kids learn from your mistakes.

birthdays come once a year (if you’re lucky) and are considered an occasion for celebration in most cultures — especially the ones that equate being older with being wiser. not true. i have counterexamples and i will not hesitate to present them if provoked.

frick. i've been provoked.

counter-example #1: skirmishes.
counter-example #2: wars.

birthdays aren’t just for the living. the dead get them too — provided they were famous enough. they remind us what it’s like to be alive, what it’s like to be born (when you didn’t have a say in the matter), and serve as a convenient excuse for people to gather and talk shit about those who didn’t show up.

if you think about it long enough, birthdays are like most things in life:
they just happen, and you have to deal with the aftermath.
"oh. this happened too? who was going to tell me?"

[answers]

1. that’s an unreasonable request. also, not a question.
   btw, happy birthday — whenever it’s due.

2. there’ll come a day. you’ll have to deal with it.
   i don’t do announcements. we like it quiet here: me, the inner demons, the closet monsters, and everybody in between.

3. birthdays are like magic. if you don’t believe in them, one will fly past without you ever knowing.
   knowing other people’s birthdays comes in handy while scamming. just saying.

4. 5,000 years. and counting.

a problem loading page is a web page whose sole purpose is to add problems to your life.
as if there aren’t any already.

like, dude. i am committed to my existing problems.
i can’t cheat on them with your 43 offspring.

i didn’t ask for new issues. i didn’t click “add to cart.”
i just wanted the thing i came here for.

instead, i’m staring at an apology from a machine that clearly doesn’t mean it.

[answers]

1. a page that failed its one job and decided to make that your problem.

2. no. it just wants to be acknowledged and then disappear.

3. because inconvenience has impeccable timing.

4. stare at it. refresh once. refresh twice. then accept that this is your life now.

being on a high that can only be induced by prolonged company of blue screens, the brain may falsely report engagement as productivity.

the brain is a fucking liar. it lies so convincingly.

[answers]

1. the brain agrees you should.

2. i'm glad you asked. they are:

   • level 0: medium.
   • level 1: high.
   • level >9000: engagement-induced hallucination.

3. jesus would prolly agree.

4. did it feel intense?

closet monsters are extremely shy. greet one with a smiling “hi” just once, and you’ll never hear from them again. they don’t thrive on fear — they panic when acknowledged.

i was very scared of them as a kid. back then, fear had a place to live. it stayed in corners. it waited for night.

then i had to grow up and bear the consequences of the actions of my fellow human beings. i have trouble understanding how they manage to scare the living hell out of me every single day, in broad daylight, without hiding at all. greet one with a smiling "hi," and you cannot predict what you have brought upon yourself.

10/10. would be a kid again.

the monster from my closet was a lot less scary.

[answers]

1. yes. but they never meant to hurt anyone.

2. because closets are quiet, dark, and mostly ignored — same as their personalities.

3. i tried not to give them a reason to. i learned early how not to provoke things bigger than me.

4. nothing. it stayed in the closet. i’m the one who left.

college was definitely a scam. i only realised it once i stepped out of it.

“perceived success” = “true happiness” was a scam too, and i fell for that one for a long time. (who hasn't?)

come to think of it, i’ve been scammed in some way or the other my entire life. the longer i stare at it, the more obvious it becomes: life itself might be the ultimate scam. the kind so big, no one believes it until you try explaining how exactly it orchestrates every little swindle that led you here. only this time, i've realised it before stepping out.

[answers]

1. shouldn't you know? anyway, anyone who's been alive for any amount of time has been scammed. even me!

2. nameless people. shameless people.

3. at this point, yeah. if there's one thing i've learnt: if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. i’ve made a list of people i want to scam, and you’re not on it. not sure if that’s a good thing.

4. nope. if it's a scam, it's bad. simple. except when i get to do it. then it won't be called a scam.

a side side project is a mini project you build to facilitate smooth creation of the main side project, while losing track of what the main project even looked like.

a main project is the one which you never get to work on what with all the side side projects, main side projects, side main projects, and the main main project.

don't worry, you'll get the hang of it.

[answers]

1. um, i only know how to count till 10.

2. that’s oddly specific. also, not exactly — but yeah.

3. there is no such thing as "going too far" for a side project. everything lies within the confines of its boundaries.

4. absolutely not. but it will feel productive.

i'll write this tomorrow.

paper is basically a dead tree reincarnated as your emotional support system. when you want to tell someone something but aren't sure they'll appreciate it — paper listens. silently. respectfully. without judging your handwriting, your life choices, or your sudden 2 a.m. existential rant.

paper sticks with you through thick and thin: through ink spills, mental breakdowns, crossed-out sentences, and entire pages you regret the second they exist.

people? inconsistent. unpredictable. sometimes annoying.

paper? dependable, quiet, and literally always there.

frick people, i'm committing myself to paper. it has seen the worst of me and still hasn’t left.

[answers]

1. some trees are still alive.

2. yes. we cut down the trees and went, “hey nature corpse, hold my feelings.”

3. paper absorbs emotions like a sponge with a phd in empathy.

4. absolutely. paper has never betrayed me, unlike some individuals i won't name.

once upon a time, a teacher woke up and chose violence. that was the day group projects were invented. ever since, students have been gathering in random assortments of four, forming temporary civilizations built entirely on confusion, panic, and “who’s making the ppt??” energy.

the group forms. chaos ignites. someone sends “hi guys!” and is never heard from again. someone else says “what are we doing?” even though the instructions are literally pinned. you, meanwhile, begin to understand why ancient philosophers wandered into the woods and never came back. teamwork happens accidentally, mostly because one exhausted soul gives up and does everything.

[answers]

1. a teacher once decided he hated his students, and group projects were the perfect way to get back at them. historians support this claim.

2. they vanish. instantly. the moment the assignment is submitted, they dissolve like cursed spirits whose purpose has been fulfilled.

3. because there are only four kinds of group members:

   • the one who does everything (blessed be their soul)
   • the one who offers moral support (sends emojis and nothing else)
   • the one who takes the credit (“we really worked hard”)
   • the one who is a ghost (the group doesn't know they exist and vice-versa)

4. hell no!

we all have our demons to fight. some of us are too scared to even look them in the eye.
gather enough courage to stare one down, and the demon just blinks back like, “bro, what did i do? i was literally birdwatching.”

demons aren’t nice. i mostly rely on distractions to avoid acknowledging them. it works until it doesn’t — and then i go right back to ignoring them again. emotional cardio, basically, but, like, the cursed version.

[answers]

1. you tucked it in one day, deep into the safe, soft warmth of your internal organs, and then forgot. it has lived rent-free ever since.

2. it means overthinking until the demon gets bored enough to leave on its own.

3. pretend you’re stronger. fake it until your demon updates its worldview accordingly. emotional cardio, remember?

4. customer service says no. inner demons come with a strict no-refund, no-return policy. if you abandon it forcibly, it will die unhappily and its family will grieve, and you do not want demon relatives showing up at your doorstep.

i am a firm believer that bathing is one of humanity’s greatest

1. wastes of resources — including but not limited to water, time, mental stamina, and
2. crimes against soaps.

every winter, i have to embark on a spiritual journey called “do i actually need to bathe today?” the answer entirely depends on whether i feel clean enough to survive one more 24-hour cycle — which i mostly do.

bathing just feels… unnatural, unnecessary — heck, it doesn't even wash my sins away. (jesus had to die for that.) the soap can cleanse my body, sure, but who’s handling the internal damage, bro?

[answers]

1. if you don't fricking care about that cute little baby soap bar getting wasted, well, DO IT!

2. once a year should be nice.

3. perpendicular over hypotenuse.

4. we're still figuring that one out.

for as long as i’ve been a child, cartoons have been there for me. i grew up watching heroes and superheroes and wanting to be one. my ambitions transitioned fluidly — from being a proud owner of a real omnitrix to a real ultimatrix, then a vibranium shield. iron man's suit even made me consider mechanical engineering (but i didn’t, because i love computers more). somewhere in between all that, i also wanted to be the flash.

but spiderman always felt like the most self-made of them all.

and the most accessible. like, all you really needed was a spider and some quality “me time” with it — and BAM, here comes spiderman.

turns out reality is less cinematic and more… medical.

[answers]

1. sadly, not me.

2. yes, but it wasn’t radioactive. i just got hives. it was painful, itchy, and deeply unheroic. now i hate spiders.

3. eff yeah!

4. aww, that’s cute. anyway, flattery is for losers, dummy.

these are the things you wear when you don't want to show your bare feet in public. left unwashed they smell like boiled shame. avoid those who skip socks — eww.

the sock fairy is real. she does not grant wishes. if you leave your socks unattended, she will kidnap them and give them a new life devoid of you or your smells.

here's a message from your mom: please wash your socks regularly.

[answers]

1. please read the paras above.

2. that's not a question.

3. the sock fairy operates on a strict quota system. two would be greedy, and she has ethics.

4. yes. unfortunately. you just can’t hear it over your own suffering.

the only point of difference between rich people and non-rich people is money.

oh, and attitude.

it is not that difficult to be rich. you just have to 1. have the right connections, or 2. be born in the right family.

it is rumoured that for every 10 non-rich people, there exists a rich person. that's a birth rate lower than my annual salary hike.

[answers]

1. money.

2. no.

3. yeah, as mentioned in his book, he's in a lot of debt.

4. let's not get too personal, shall we?